A disconnect and a restoration
The following thoughts, while neither doctrine nor scientific truth per se, contain something I believe is needed as part of society's healing process: the restoration of a true spirit of brotherhood to men.
In the last part I explained my belief that our culture has sexualized relationality, with the resulting loss of intimacy between men. This process is explained well by this quote from Brett McKay:
“At the turn of the 20th century, the idea of homosexuality shifted from a practice to a lifestyle and an identity. You did not have temptations towards a certain sin, you were a homosexual person. Thinking of men as either “homosexual” or “heterosexual” became common....As this new conception of homosexuality as a stigmatized and onerous identifier took root in American culture, men began to be much more careful to not send messages to other men, and to women, that they were gay. And this is the reason why, it is theorized, men have become less comfortable with showing affection towards each other over the last century.”
To summarize, as the meaning of homosexuality changed from being a set of behaviors to an innate trait, men in conservative Americana distanced themselves from each other in order to avoid the stigma of “being gay.” The result has been the loss of an ancient tradition of deep masculine connection that existed independent of sexuality.
This is a truth that all, no matter their perspective regarding homosexuality, need to understand. Whether one embraces this sexualization process or rejects it, men need other men in a deep, nonsexual capacity, and (correct me if I'm wrong in my observation) we as American men have generally lost the capacity to recognize and pursue this need to its fulfillment. Men both gay and straight seek all their need fulfillment in romantic partners. However, in my view, in order to be a healthy man (and a healthy woman, for that matter) non-sexual, non-romantic but deep connection with others of the same gender (no matter one's orientation or religion) is essential, and its lack contributes to many of the problems in modern American society.
This is something the ancients understood well. Indeed, what happened between men for thousands of years prior to our era would be shocking to us in its level of intensity, but to them, it was so common it was normal, even boring, and more often than not, yes, it was "no homo..." they were not a bunch of closeted gays, they were simply men who loved each other.
For example, here is an excerpt from a love letter between two medieval men:
"I think of your love and friendship with such sweet
memories, reverend bishop, that I long for that lovely
time when I may be able to clutch the neck of your
sweetness with the fingers of my desires. Alas, if only
it were granted to me, as it was to Habakkuk [Dan.
14:32-38], to be transported to you, how I would sink
into your embraces,...how much would I cover, with
tightly pressed lips, not only your eyes, ears and
mouth, but also your every finger and toe, not once but many a time." (1)
This was a man? Addressing another man? "Sink into your embraces" "...cover, with tightly pressed lips, not only your eyes, ears and mouth, but also every finger and toe..." "I long for that lovely time when I may be able to clutch the neck of your sweetness with the fingers of my desires..." Whoa.
How many of you find this revolting? I wouldn't be surprised if most of you did. It makes me uncomfortable too. I love touching and expressions of affection, but...wow. I'd probably have a DTR right there....over facebook, because personalized letters are just WAY too homo, bro. Slow down and take a cold shower.
How many of you find this revolting? I wouldn't be surprised if most of you did. It makes me uncomfortable too. I love touching and expressions of affection, but...wow. I'd probably have a DTR right there....over facebook, because personalized letters are just WAY too homo, bro. Slow down and take a cold shower.
But still, I have
to ask....why? Why is it so uncomfortable for us? I invite you to
consider the context in which this love letter was written, and to
consider if, like me, you have fallen victim to sexualized thinking.
The author of this beautiful bit of writing is none other than
Alcuin. Alcuin is known as one of the chief scholars of Charlemagne's
Court, a devout Catholic monk of great renown and ability whose work
was foundational to the Carolingian Renaissance. Considering this
highly religious context, as well as Alcuin's well-documented
condemnations of “the Sin of Sodom,” it is unlikely that Alcuin's
letter, despite its affectionate outpouring, was an expression of
homosexual desire.
In other words, he didn't NEED to take a cold shower. This is not sexuality speaking in the slightest. He was simply expressing his affection for a friend. Really. That's it.
It was simply a man who loved another man.
In other words, he didn't NEED to take a cold shower. This is not sexuality speaking in the slightest. He was simply expressing his affection for a friend. Really. That's it.
It was simply a man who loved another man.
Indeed,
there are plenty of similar examples of such loving and affectionate
writing between men during the medieval and later ages (2), and it's
highly unlikely that any given bit of writing was an expression
of homosexual desire...they were most likely simple evidence of the
depth and intensity of connection that men enjoyed with each other in
these ages. Of course, homosexuality has been part of the human experience since the beginning, so it can't be discounted, but even with
that, I have a hunch that it is the exception, not the rule. And yet, for us, it is very difficult to see this kind of affection and not automatically say, "Do you need to get a room?"
Such intense
feeling in male friendships even continues in many other societies up into the modern age. Watch how these Syrian men interact at the reuniting of a father with his lost son, showering the father with kisses, embracing him and holding his hand:
Would you characterize the tenderness and affection displayed towards the father in this video as "gay?"'
We
Americans are strange in our tendency towards
male-to-male coldness. Ancient Western civilizations had traditions
of masculine friendship not only encouraged but often
institutionalized close relationships between men, as exemplified by
the relationship between Alexander the Great and his friend,
Hephaestion(3). Aristotle was quoted as describing these two as “two
bodies, one soul,” and Hephaestion's death so affected Alexander
that he wept over the body for the greater part of a day, and it is
believed that his death was largely what led to Alexander's death
eight months later.
This tradition of
closeness continued up until modern times, with the letters of
Jefferson and Adams and the relationship of Abraham Lincoln and Josh
Speed examples of the exceptionally close relationships between the
manly men of the 18th and 19th century America
(4).
This photo essay
captures some of the intensity that was commonplace amongst the men
prior to the advent of the modern age:
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/29/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/
Such themes of
intense homosocial relationship aren't just matters of secular
history, they are also scriptural. Consider the example of the great
prophet and king David, a man described by God as being “a man
after mine own heart (5)” Upon hearing of the slaying of his
friend, Saul's son Jonathon, he laments:
“I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women. (2 Samuel 1:26)”
“I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women. (2 Samuel 1:26)”
Consider the moving
account contained in the Book of Mormon when the great Ammon meets
Alma and his brethren after many years of separation for missionary
work:
“16 And it
came to pass that as Ammon was going forth into the land, that he and
his brethren met Alma, over in the place of which has been spoken;
and behold, this was a joyful meeting.
17 Now the joy of Ammon was so great
even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his
God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the
earth.18 Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.” (Alma 27:16-18)
Here, we have Ammon fainting with joy at the sight of his beloved brothers.
And finally, consider this tender account from the life of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself.
“23 Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.
24 Simon Peter therefore beckoned to him, that he should ask who it should be of whom he spake.
25 He then lying on Jesus’ breast saith unto him, Lord, who is it?” (John 13:23-25)
Especially those of
you who are of a religious bent...how many of you read this last
account and judged it as “gay?” I would hope none. The disciple whom Jesus loved is simply...the disciple whom Jesus loved. Who laid his head on Christ's breast, because love.
I recall reading of
James E. Faust dispassionately remarking of his “wonderful
associations” with the Quorum of the 12, and though I don't doubt
that he cared deeply for those men, I can't help but see this as
indicative that there's something missing in the way that we men
relate to other men.
A return
I can't speak for all homosexual men, but I can speak for my own self, in that I sincerely and deeply believe that my own homosexuality was born, in part, of a deep yearning for the kind of depth, of beauty, of affection, of closeness that exists in all the stories given above. It's something that is foreign to my world.
All men, gay and straight, need brothers who love them and who they love. They need relationships where priority, affection, tenderness and respect are evident. To gain this kind of brotherly love is one of my highest goals in life.
A return
I can't speak for all homosexual men, but I can speak for my own self, in that I sincerely and deeply believe that my own homosexuality was born, in part, of a deep yearning for the kind of depth, of beauty, of affection, of closeness that exists in all the stories given above. It's something that is foreign to my world.
All men, gay and straight, need brothers who love them and who they love. They need relationships where priority, affection, tenderness and respect are evident. To gain this kind of brotherly love is one of my highest goals in life.
It's my sincere hope that it will once again become a commonplace experience in our society.
Works cited:
2): Ibid.
5): Acts 13:22
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