"Nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself:" On being joyful and carefree.

Within the world of mormonism and homosexuality, there is a difficulty in finding what term best fits to describe one's experience. Many gay Mormons shy away from applying that term for themselves, viewing the phrases "I am gay" or "I am homosexual" as implying an acceptance of a specific lifestyle path unacceptable within the bounds of discipleship. Others prefer those terms as an evidence of healthy self-acceptance, seeing the phrase "I have same-sex attraction" as implying thinking of oneself as afflicted with a disease or negative condition. In reality, any phrase or term in this context is going to be fraught with complications, mostly because of how profoundly ignorant we are as a society in relation to these issues. The few terms available have a lot of associated baggage and boundaries that, quite simply, do not fit most people, especially those who experience homosexuality and yet desire to live faithful to their religious convictions. A recent conversation I had with a friend from work shows the difficult dichotomy society's ridiculously limited narrative sets up for us gay Mormons:

"Bryce, do you have a girlfriend?"
"I'm gay, so.....no."
"Oh really? Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Well, I'm Mormon....so...uh...no."

As much as I appreciated her compassionate response, there is much that bugged me about this conversation, not necessarily her or my fault, but which needs to be shown.

At face value, I seem to reveal a life lived in a double-bind: a tragic stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place situation that, tragically, I have to endure the rest of my life. Oh, poor Bryce. He will never be able to truly be himself, either decision he makes.

I can't tell you how FRUSTRATING this is! It is an absolutely false dichotomy that has no basis in truth.

Let me show you what you can't see, and what this conversation could never possibly reveal.

I have had experience after experience that has built and confirmed my faith in Christ. They have shown me that I am so much more than any label. I am more than Mormon, I am more than Gay, I am more than American, or Idahoan, or even more than a "person" or a "self." There is a core part of me that is unchangeable: I am a literal son of God, with all the limitless potential that implies. Though I am currently in the limitations of mortality, this understanding alone means that with faith in Christ I am capable of rising above any circumstance and determining my own destiny, and eventually becoming as He is.

I have had many sacred experiences in crafting friendships with other men, friendships that transcend space and time and are eternal in their duration. "Being gay" does not show you the mind-blowing experiences I have had that have taught me how to use my homosexuality in creating these friendships. It doesn't show you how I have come to understand that I can find truly deep, active, affectionate, mutual love with other men within the bounds of the gospel. A love so deep and meaningful it wouldn't make any difference whether or not I had sex or got a "boyfriend." Though I am single, I am not alone.

It doesn't show you the deeply spiritual experiences I have had show me a family is possible for me through a woman; a possibility that "being gay" almost automatically proscribes against. It also doesn't show you the real fears that have caused me to put that goal on temporary hold, not stemming from homosexuality alone but rooted in my tendency towards emotional and mental instability when faced with high stress, a tendency that runs in my family line and which would be greatly exacerbated by the demands of caring for a family. To attempt a marriage at this stage in my development would be a cause for great harm. And yet, I know that it will one day be both possible and desirable for me to marry a woman, not because I'll get all fixed up and macho and be a straight guy *gag* but because it will be a natural step in my development as an eternal being.

It is possible. I may choose for myself.

It is one thing to show you why my life's narrative is so incompatible with our current understanding of the word "gay." Let me not just show you why. Let me show you how. My freedom to choose for myself is not just mine: it is written into our biologies as humans.

I derived the following principles from the book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," by Stephen Covey.

Have you ever taken the time to sit back and watch your thoughts and feelings as they bubble up and float across your mind? Being able to think about one's thinking is a unique characteristic humanity. It is an ability that animals, no matter how intelligent, are biologically incapable of attaining. The ability to think about one's thoughts is known as "sentience," or "self-awareness."
Our modern culture views human behavior and existance through three paradigms that basically arrogate responsibility for our thoughts and behaviors outwards. These paradigms are known as "deterministic" because their claims depend on a belief that outside factors "determine" human life experience. Some claim that genetics determine our behavior. Others claim our upbringing determines our behavior. Others claim environmental conditioning determines our behavior. In all three paradigms, the narrative is external: external influences determine our conditioning, which then determines our behavior. It is the classic Pavlov's Dog: ring the bell, get the saliva. Stimulus determines response.

Conditioning does not determine behavior. Here's why.

In addition to self-awareness, humans have imagination: The ability to create beyond our present reality. We have conscience: a deep sense of right and wrong. We also have independent will: the ability to act based in our self awareness, free of outside influences. With self-awareness, I can observe my own thinking. With imagination, I can craft a different reality with different parameters, thus changing my thought process. With independent will, I can act so that I bring myself, my thoughts and my feelings within the sphere of true principles. With conscience, I can tell when I am out of alignment with those principles. These characteristics feed into each other in such a way that I, and all humanity, have been given the power to write and rewrite the scripts governing our lives. Animals can be trained to do many complex behaviors, but they do not have the capacity to determine their own training. I do. My brain's capacities interact in such a way that I have a power to gain independence from my environment, become an agent, and determine my response to stimuli. This is not to say that genetic, psychic and environmental conditioning don't have tremendous power to shape my life experiences, but it does indicate that I have the ability to control that influence: to determine for myself how those conditions apply.

So here I find the logical reason why "gay" is such a difficult term to use. Its meaning has been crafted by a modern culture awash with the illusions of determinism: that stimulus and conditioning determine response.

It. Does. Not.

I stand between stimulus and response. I have the power to write the scripts, and determine how to incorporate all external factors into my life experience.

It would be foolish for me not to acknowledge the defining role that homosexuality has played in my life. It has shaped me in so many ways. It has had incalculable meaning. It is a blessing and I would not ask for things any other way. But simply because I love men, desire intimacy with men, and find men sexy, does NOT mean that I "am" those characteristics. I can control the emotional, sexual, and physical responses and impulses I receive from my homosexuality at every level, by grafting scripts upon them that conform them to correct principles. I do not have to pursue the basest expressions of my sexual response in order to be true to myself; for my "self" is my creation in conjunction with God, and not determined by any other force.

"Gay" used to simply mean "Joyful" and "carefree" before its shift to indicating uninhibitedly hedonistic, then homosexual lifestyles, and now as a box in which we try to contain people. I hope the irony of this shift in meaning is evident. Its original usage is much more a reflection of reality.

I hope it can be redeemed.